Zinthu Zinayi Zimene Muyenera Kudziwa Musanathetse Banja

Eni ake a nyumba ataona mmene nyumba yawo yawonongekera, angasankhe zongoigwetsa kapena kuikonzanso.

MALINGA ndi mmene banja lanu lilili, kodi mukuganiza zongolithetsa kapena kukonzanso zinthu kuti lipitirire? N’kutheka kuti mwasiya kukhulupirira mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu chifukwa cha zimene anachita kapena simukusangalalanso ndi banja lanu chifukwa mumangokhalira kukangana. Ngati zili choncho, mwina mungaganize kuti, ‘Panopa chikondi chathu chatha’ kapena, ‘Ndife osayenerana’ kapenanso, ‘Tinangokwatirana tisakudziwa zimene tikuchita.’ Mwinanso mungaganize kuti, ‘Ndi bwino kuti banja lingotha.’

Musanasankhe zothetsa banja lanu, muyenera kuganiza mofatsa. Dziwani kuti nthawi zambiri kuthetsa banja sikungathetse mavuto anu. Koma kumangothetsa mavuto ena n’kuyambitsanso ena. Dr. Brad Sachs anati: “Anthu amaganiza kuti angathetse banja popanda kukumana ndi mavuto alionse. Iwo amaganiza kuti pambuyo pake akhala ndi moyo wosangalala. Koma maganizo amenewa ndi maloto chabe, ngati mmene zilili ndi maganizo akuti mukalowa m’banja simuzikumana ndi mavuto.” (The Good Enough Teen) Choncho, ndi bwino kuganiza mofatsa musanathetse banja.

Zimene Baibulo Limanena

Baibulo limasonyeza kuti kuthetsa banja si nkhani yamasewera. Limanena kuti Yehova Mulungu amaona kuti anthu amene amasiya akazi kapena amuna awo, makamaka n’cholinga choti akwatirane ndi munthu wina, ndi osakhulupirika ndiponso ndi oipa. (Malaki 2:13-16) Banja ndi mgwirizano wa moyo wonse. (Mateyo 19:6) Mabanja ambiri amene anatha pazifukwa zazing’ono, sakanatha ngati mwamuna ndi mkazi akanakhala kuti amakhululukirana.—Mateyo 18:21, 22.

Komabe, Baibulo limanena kuti banja lingathe ngati mwamuna kapena mkazi wachita chigololo, ndipo zikatero wosachimwayo ali ndi ufulu wokwatiranso. (Mateyo 19:9) Choncho, ngati mutadziwa kuti mkazi kapena mwamuna wanu wachita chigololo, muli ndi ufulu wothetsa banja. Anthu ena sayenera kukukakamizani kuthetsa banjalo kapena kusathetsa, ndipo si cholinga cha nkhani ino kukuuzani zochita. Muyenera kusankha nokha zochita chifukwa inuyo ndi amene mungakhudzidwe kwambiri ndi zotsatira zake.—Agalatiya 6:5.

Ngakhale zili choncho, Baibulo limanena kuti: “Wochenjera asamalira mayendedwe ake.” (Miyambo 14:15) Choncho, ngakhale patakhala zifukwa za m’Malemba zothetsera banja, mungachite bwino kuganizira mofatsa zotsatira zake. (1 Akorinto 6:12) David, yemwe amakhala ku Britain, anati: “Ena angaganize kuti ngati wina  wachita chigololo, ayenera kuthetsa banjalo msangamsanga. Koma ineyo, monga amene banja langa linathapo, ndaona kuti pamafunika nthawi kuti munthu asankhe chochita mwanzeru.” *

Tiyeni tikambirane mfundo zinayi zofunika kwambiri zimene muyenera kuziganizira. Pamene tikuchita zimenezi, onani kuti anthu onse amene anafunsidwa za nkhaniyi, akuona kuti sanalakwitse kuthetsa banja lawo. Komabe zimene anthuwa ananena zikusonyeza kuti nthawi zambiri banja likatha, pamabwera mavuto ena ndi ena, mwina patapita miyezi kapena zaka zingapo.

1 Vuto la Ndalama

Mayi wina wa ku Italy, dzina lake Daniella, atakhala m’banja zaka 12 anazindikira kuti mwamuna wake ali ndi chibwenzi kuntchito. Iye anati: “Panthawi yomwe ndinadziwa zimenezi n’kuti mkazi winayo ali ndi pakati pa miyezi 6.”

Atapatukana kwa nthawi ndithu, Daniella anaganiza zothetsa banjalo. Iye anati: “Ndinayesetsa kuti banjalo lisathe, koma mwamuna wanga ankapitirizabe kuchita zosakhulupirika.” Daniella amaona kuti anachita bwino kuthetsa banjalo. Komabe, iye ananenanso kuti: “Titangopatukana, ndinayamba kukumana ndi mavuto aakulu a ndalama. Nthawi zina ndinkagona ndi njala.”

Mayi wina wa ku Spain, dzina lake Maria, anakumana ndi vuto lofanana ndi limeneli. Iye anati: “Mwamuna wanga wakale sandipatsa chithandizo chilichonse. Ndiponso anandisiyira ngongole zambirimbiri moti panopa ndimavutika kugwira ntchito kuti ndizibweze. Ndinasamukanso m’nyumba yabwino imene tinkakhala n’kukalowa m’kanyumba kachabechabe m’dera lopanda chitetezo.”

Zitsanzo zimenezi zikusonyeza kuti nthawi zambiri banja likatha, akazi amakumana ndi mavuto aakulu a ndalama. Kafukufuku wina amene anachitika kwa zaka 7 ku Ulaya, anasonyeza kuti banja likatha, ndalama zimene mwamuna amapeza zimawonjezereka ndi 11 peresenti, pamene ndalama zimene mkazi amapeza zimatsika ndi 17 peresenti. Mayi Mieke Jansen, amene ankatsogolera pa kafukufukuyu, ananena kuti: “Amayi ena zimawavuta chifukwa amafunika kufufuza ntchito, kusamalira ana, ndiponso mtima umakhala ukupweteka chifukwa cha kutha kwa banja.” Nyuzipepala ina ya ku London, inanena kuti akatswiri ena a zamalamulo akuti mavuto amenewa “akuchititsa anthu kuti aziganiza kaye mofatsa asanathetse banja.”—Daily Telegraph.

Chingachitike n’chiyani? Banja likatha, mungayambe kupeza ndalama zochepa. Mwina mungafunikenso kusamuka kukalowa nyumba ina. Ndipo ngati mwapatsidwa udindo wosamalira ana, zingakhale zovuta kuti muzidzisamalira nokha komanso kupezera ana anu zinthu zofunikira.—1 Timoteyo 5:8.

 2 Vuto Lolera Ana

Mayi wina wa ku Britain, dzina lake Jane, amene anathetsa banja lake, anati: “Kusakhulupirika kwa mwamuna wanga kunandisokoneza kwambiri. Ndipo zinandipweteka kwambiri kuti iye anachoka n’kundisiya ndekha ndi ana.” Mayiyu amaonabe kuti anachita bwino kuthetsa banjalo, koma ananenanso kuti: “Vuto limodzi limene ndinayamba kukumana nalo linali lakuti ndinasenzanso udindo wa bambo. Ndinafunika kuyamba kusankha zinthu zonse ndekha.”

Mayi winanso wa ku Spain, dzina lake Graciela, anayamba kukumana mavuto ngati omwewa banja lake litatha. Iye anati: “Ndinayamba kusamalira ndekha mwana wanga wamwamuna wazaka 16, koma zaka zaunyamata zimakhala zovuta ndipo ndinali ndisanakonzekere bwino kulera mwana wangayu ndekha. Ndinkangokhalira kulira usiku ndi usana chifukwa ndinkaona kuti ndikulephera kulera mwana wanga.”

Ngati mayi ndi bambo akulandirana kulera ana awo, pamakhalanso mavuto ena. Iwo amafunika kukambirana za nthawi imene mmodzi azibwera kudzaona ana, za kaperekedwe ka chithandizo ndiponso mmene ayenera kulangira ana akalakwa. Mayi wina wa ku United States, dzina lake Christine, yemwe banja lake linatha, anati: “Zimakhala zovuta kugwirizana zochita ndi mwamuna wako wakale. N’zosavuta kukhumudwitsana ndipo popanda kusamala, mungayambe kugwiritsa ntchito mwana wanu ngati nyambo yopezera zinthu zimene mukufuna kwa mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu wakale.”

Chingachitike n’chiyani? Zimene khoti lagamula zokhudza kasamalidwe ka ana zikhoza kukhala zosiyana ndi zimene inuyo mungafune. Ngati mukulandirana kusamalira ana, mwina mwamuna kapena mkazi wanuyo akhoza kukhala ndi maganizo osiyana ndi anu pankhani zimene tatchula zija monga kubwera kudzaona ana, kaperekedwe ka chithandizo ndi zina zotero.

3 Mmene Inuyo Mungakhudzidwire

Mark, yemwe amakhala ku Britain, anakhumudwitsidwa ndi mkazi wake chifukwa anachita zosakhulupirika maulendo angapo. Bamboyu anati: “Ulendo wachiwiri ndinakhumudwa kwambiri chifukwa sindinkayembekezera kuti angabwerezenso.” Mark anathetsa banjalo komabe mumtima  ankamukondabe mkazi wakeyo. Iye ananena kuti: “Anthu akamanena zoipa zokhudza mkazi wanga amaganiza kuti akundithandiza koma ine sizindisangalatsa. Ngakhale banja lithe, chikondi chimakhalapobe.”

David, yemwe tamutchula poyamba uja, anakhumudwanso kwambiri atazindikira kuti mkazi wake ali pachibwenzi ndi mwamuna wina. Iye anati: “Sindinakhulupirire ngakhale pang’ono. Ndinkafunitsitsa kuti tsiku lililonse ndizicheza ndi mkazi ndiponso ana anga.” David anathetsa banja lake, koma zimenezi zinamufooketsa. Iye anati: “Ndimakayikira ngati mkazi wina angandikondenso, ndipo ndimaganiza kuti mkazi yemwe ndingakwatire akhoza kundikhumudwitsanso. Panopa sindikhulupirira mkazi aliyense.”

Banja likatha, anthu amakhala ndi nkhawa zambirimbiri. Mukhoza kumakondabe mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu wakaleyo chifukwa chakuti poyamba munali thupi limodzi. (Genesis 2:24) Koma mukhozanso kumukwiyira mukaganizira kuti banja latha. Graciela, yemwe tamutchula poyamba uja, ananena kuti: “Ngakhale papite zaka zambiri, umaonabe kuti wasokonezeka maganizo, wanyozeka ndiponso ulibe wokuthandiza. Komanso umakumbukira zinthu zabwino zimene munkachitira limodzi banja lisanathe, ndipo umadzifunsa kuti: ‘Ankakonda kundiuza kuti sangathe kukhala popanda ine. Ndiye kuti ankandinamiza? N’chifukwa chiyani anachita zimenezi?’”

Chingachitike n’chiyani? Mungamakhumudwe mukakumbukira zina ndi zina zolakwika zimene mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu anakuchitirani. Nthawi zina mungamakhumudwe chifukwa chosowa munthu wocheza naye.—Miyambo 14:29; 18:1.

4 Mmene Ana Angakhudzidwire

Bambo wina ku Spain, dzina lake José, yemwe banja lake linatha, anati: “Ndinakhumudwa kwambiri banja langa litatha. Ndipo zinandipweteka kwambiri nditazindikira kuti munthu yemwe ankagona ndi mkazi wanga anali mwamuna wa mchemwali wanga. Ndinkangofuna nditafa basi.” José anazindikiranso kuti ana ake awiri aamuna, mmodzi wazaka ziwiri ndipo wina wazaka zinayi,  anakhumudwa kwambiri ndi zimene mayi awo anachita. Bamboyu anati: “Iwo sanakhulupirire kuti mayi awo angachite zimenezi. Sanamvetse kuti chifukwa chiyani mayi awo ankagona ndi amalume, komanso chifukwa chimene ndinachokera limodzi ndi iwowo n’kumakakhala ndi mchemwali wanga ndiponso amayi. Ndikamapita kwinakwake, anawa ankandifunsa kuti, ‘Mubwerera liti kunyumba’ kapenanso, ‘Ababa, musatisiye tokha.’”

Ana ndi amene amavutika kwambiri banja likatha, ngakhale kuti anthu ena sadziwa zimenezi. Koma bwanji ngati mwamuna ndi mkazi sakugwirizana? Kodi zikatero ndiye kuti kuthetsa banja “kumathandiza ana”? M’zaka zaposachedwapa, anthu ayamba kuona kuti maganizo amenewa ndi olakwika, makamaka ngati mavuto amene mukukumana nawo m’banja si aakulu. Buku lina linanena kuti: “Anthu ambiri amene amaona kuti banja lawo lili pamavuto aakulu angadabwe atadziwa kuti ana awo sadandaula nazo kwenikweni. Iwo siziwakhudza kwenikweni ngakhale mayi ndi bambo azigona kosiyana, malinga ngati banja silinathe.”—The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

N’zoona kuti ana amadziwa ngati makolo sakugwirizana ndipo makolowo akamakanganakangana, iwo amakhudzidwa kwambiri. Komabe kuganiza kuti kuthetsa banja kungathandize ana n’kulakwitsa. Linda J. Waite ndi Maggie Gallagher, analemba kuti: “Ngati m’banja muli bambo ndi mayi, ana amakhala omvera chifukwa malangizo amene amaperekedwa sasinthasintha komanso chilango chimene amapatsidwa chimakhala choyenera. Izi zingachitike ngakhale kuti banjalo silikuyenda bwino.”—The Case for Marriage.

Chingachitike n’chiyani? Ana angakhudzidwe kwambiri ndi kutha kwa banja, makamaka ngati simuwalimbikitsa kuti azigwirizana ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu wakale.—Onani bokosi lakuti  “Zinkandivuta Kusankha Woyenera Kumumvera.”

M’nkhani ino takambirana mfundo zinayi zimene muyenera kuziganizira musanathetse banja lanu. Monga tafotokoza kale, ngati mkazi kapena mwamuna wanu wachita chigololo, muyenera kusankha nokha zochita. Ndipo dziwani kuti chilichonse chimene mungasankhe chili ndi zotsatirapo zake. Muyenera kudziwa mavuto amene mungakumane nawo ndiponso mmene mungawathetsere.

Mutaganizira nkhaniyo bwinobwino, mwina mungaone kuti ndi bwino kuyesetsa kuthetsa mavuto amene banja lanu likukumana nawo, m’malo mothetsa banjalo. Koma kodi zimenezi n’zotheka?

[Mawu a M’munsi]

[Bokosi patsamba 6]

“UFULU WA MWANA ALIYENSE”

“Ndili ndi zaka zisanu, bambo anga anayamba chibwenzi ndi sekiritale wawo, ndipo zimenezi zinachititsa kuti banja lithe ndi mayi. Ngakhale zinali choncho, bambo ndi mayi anayesetsa kundilera bwino. Iwo ankandiuza kuti ngakhale kuti sakondananso, sanasiye kundikonda. Ndipo bambo anga atayamba kukakhala kwaokha, ankapitirizabe kuthandizana ndi mayi kundisamalira.

“Patapita zaka ziwiri mayi anga anakwatiwanso ndipo tinasamukira kudziko lina. Kuyambira nthawi imeneyi, ndinkaonana ndi bambo anga patalipatali. M’zaka 9 zapitazi, ndangoonana nawo kamodzi kokha. Ndingati iwo sanandione ndikukula ndipo ana anga onse atatu sakuwadziwa. Amangowadziwira m’makalata komanso m’zithunzi zimene ndimawatumizira. Nawonso ana angawa sawadziwa n’komwe agogo awo.

“Anthu sangadziwe mmene zinandikhudzira makolo anga atasiyana. Koma mtima wanga unkandipweteka kwambiri, ndinkavutika maganizo komanso ndinkaona kuti ndilibe tsogolo. Ndipo sindinkadziwa chifukwa chake ndimamva chonchi. Sindinkakhulupirira munthu aliyense mpaka pamene ndinafika zaka 30. Panthawiyi mnzanga wina wodalirika anandithandiza kudziwa chimene chinkachititsa vuto langa. Ndipo ndinayamba kuyesetsa kuthetsa vutolo.

“Kutha kwa banja la makolo anga kunandilanda ufulu womva kuti ndine wotetezeka umene mwana aliyense amafunika kukhala nawo. Dzikoli ndi lovuta kwambiri ndipo anthu ambiri alibe chikondi, koma banja limakhala ngati mpanda umene amateteza ana ku mavuto amene ali kunja kwake. Banja likatha zimakhala ngati mpandawo wagwa.”—Diane.

[Chithunzi patsamba 7]

 “ZINKANDIVUTA KUSANKHA WOYENERA KUMUMVERA”

“Banja la makolo anga linatha ndili ndi zaka 12. Ndinganene kuti ndinapeza mpumulo pang’ono. Panyumba panali bata ndi mtendere chifukwa sindinkamvanso mayi ndi bambo anga akukangana. Komabe, panali zinthu zinanso zimene zinkandidetsa nkhawa.

“Banjalo litatha, ndinkayesetsa kuti ndizigwirizana ndi makolo onse ndiponso kuti ndisamaikire kumbuyo mmodzi wa iwo. Ngakhale kuti ndinkayesetsa kuchita zimenezi, nthawi zambiri zinkandivuta kusankha woyenera kumumvera. Bambo ankandiuza kuti iwo akuopa kuti mayi anga andikopa kuti ndisamawamvere bambowo. Choncho, nthawi zambiri ndinkawatsimikizira kuti mayi sakuchita zimenezi. Mayi anga nawonso ankada nkhawa kuti mwina bambo azindiuza zinthu zoipa zokhudza iwowo. Kenako ndinasiya kuuza mayi kapena bambo mavuto anga chifukwa sindinkafuna kuti ndiwakhumudwitse. Ndiyeno kungoyambira ndili ndi zaka 12, sindinkauza bambo kapena mayi nkhawa zanga zokhudza kutha kwa banja lawo.”—Sandra.